July 20, 2009

Today, I was in the forest with my boyfriend and I wanted to turn him on. I began to back up 'sexily' to a tree, but instead tripped on a branch and fell down a hill. Not only did he laugh nonstop, I now have a broken ankle. FML.
~Must of had some bad aim. Hill = tree? Bad move on the boyfriend part. What should of happened was a replay scene from The Princess Bride.

Today i went out to buy shoes to fit my leg braces i just got to help me walk. i cannot move or feel from the waist down. when i get home my father was helping me get the shoes on with my braces, after about 10 minutes we finally get them on and he then asks,"so how do they feel?" FML.
~Wow...that's a fail father. Even if he meant it as a joke, thats really cruel.

Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend and I let him cum on my boobs. While doing so he farted, smiled, and kept going. When he finished, I felt something wet on my thigh. I turned on the light and discovered he had taken a shit on me. FML
~Hey here's an idea. Whenever there is a post like this in addition to my little comment, I will put "WIAG" (why I am gay) and maybe it might help some guys out there so there will be less FMLs amoung the lines of "Today my girlfriend left me for another girl. FML" Now that that is out of the way...way to go. Congrats, you just shat on your girlfriend.

Today, I decided to wash the dishes, but the garbage disposle side had a food stopper in it. Knowing my wife put it there, so I took it off and contiuned to wash the dishes. My brand new 14k ring with bands of diamonds went down the garbage disposle. And my wife came up and turned it on.FML
~ Damn >.< well atleast he didn't have his hand stuck in the disposal going after the ring right?

today i walked home from my friends house, it was dark so i started peeing and walked into a spiderweb, thinking it was fine i finished peeing and went home.the next morning i went to take a piss,i looked down and my penis was swollen........the worst part was my doctor said i need it amputated. fml
~So he was walking while he was peeing? That in itself seems like a bad idea, I'm not too familiar with that particular mechanism that men have, but I would think you might get some on yourself. Funny how he never said he felt a bite...

Today, I found out why my parents don't think I have sex. They think I am scared of it. And offered to get me counseling for it. They were 100% serious. FML.
~This entry is missing a very important piece of information. The part where they say "I'm __ years old."

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems during my lunch break my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying, "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML
~That's why you don't have your computer set to auto-sign you in to your IM program.

Today I dressed up in my mother's lingerie which consisted of peek a boo bra and panties with fishnet leggings. I started to use her vibrator. Five minutes later she walks in on me masturbating in her sex lingerie with her vibrator shoved in my vagina. FML
~I think I just vomited a little in my mouth...I don't want to know what my mothers lingerei looks like,much less wear it. Don't even get me started again on the subject of shared vibrators...

Yo I walk all the way to cumbys for a dutch it closes at 12 its 11:47 and there fuckin door was locked and the bitch just looked at me like i was stupid all i wanted was to roll an L ! FML
~...I just put this one here because I don't know what the heck they are saying. Somehow I envision a skinny white guy posting this trying to sound cool though.

Today, I bought organic fertilizer for my garden. I don't own gardening gloves, so I spread it with my bare hands. Turns out, my organic fertilizer is just powdered blood. FML.
~Well I didn't know that they used powdered blood, but I do know that "fertilizer" is usually some form of animal dung. I wouldn't want to spread that with my bare hands either XP

Today, I woke up after making love to my boyfriend for the very first time. I planned a romantic night for us and thought it was absolutely magical. This morning I went on his facebook and saw a comment from his best friend saying "good job railing her last night". FML.
~WIAG. Think thats all thats needed here...

Today, there was an ad for online dating on my computer. I thought my dad was cheating on my mom. They got into a huge argument, and my dad was so pissed he went through my email because I had "invaded" his privacy. There was a picture of me in my mirror. I was naked. Charma's a Bitch. FML
~First off, you can get tons of different kinds of pop-ups on your computer without ever visiting that site or even anything similar to the site. Second, don't have your passwords saved on a shared computer, thats asking for trouble. Especially if you have something like that to hide.

Today, my little sister learned about blood types. Trying to help her "get it," I tried to show her how our parent's blood types resulted in ours. Instead, I discovered that none of us three children, have types that are among the possible results of the combination of our parents blood types. FML
~Not entirely true. Blood type is more complicated to match up than other Dominant/recessive traits. There are 3 factors to match up I think. So everyone knows that a type A mom and a type B dad can have a type O kid (AO and BO) but did you know that two type Os can have a type A or B child? Most of the time O is recessive, but sometimes it is dominant. I really wish they listed the blood types so I could figure it out because now I'm curious lol

Today, I was walking home from work. In the city. Halfway to the trainstation, A drug addict woman wearing nothing but a T-Shirt (not including underwear), comes up to me and bites my wrist. I now have H.I.V FML
~ O__o' Wow that has to be the most accurate "FML" that I've seen...kind of life changing and ruining all at once, and it isn't the posters fault either.

Today, I was talking to my mom on the phone and I was asking her to clean my room before I got home from vacation. Her response. "Oh, you left your penis on the floor." Yeah I'm a lesbian & that was my strap on. FML
~ XD lmao your fault for leaving that out! AND for asking your mother to clean your room for you! If you are old enough to have/use a strap-on, then you are old enough for your mom to stop cleaning your room for you!

Today I texted my girlfriend mentioning my penis. Being the modest person I am I told her that I thought it was smaller than average but it didn't bother me because I had no control over it. I figured shed text back and be nice by saying something good about it, she changed the subject entirely. FML
~What made you randomly decide to tell your girlfriend about your penis? I would probably change the subject regardless of what size he said it was!

Today, I woke up at 3 AM because I heard strange sounds downstairs and saw the lights were on. Thinking it were burglars I armed myself with several knives, a katana and loaded up my crossbow. Armed to the teeth I burst into the living room, finding my dad went for a midnight snack. FML
~Daaamn I wouldn't want to be caught trying to steal from this guy! A little overboard though, I think the crossbow and katana might be enough to scare them off.

Today, I told my husband he fell asleep on the toilet after a night of heavy drinking. He didn't believe me until he checked his boxers and found shit stains EVERYWHERE. Not only did I buy him that pair of boxers for $12 the day before, I also had sex with him. While he had shit. All. Over. Him. FML
~ WTF?? Why would you have sex with a guy covered in shit? Unless you are into that kind of thing...but she doesn't seem like she was. And wouldn't the smell be an indication? Or atleast kill the mood a little for a diaper check?

Today, my boyfriend and I were having anal sex, while his fingers were stimulating my clitoris I felt the sudden need to fart. I realized I was close to climax so if I had an orgasm he wouldn't notice my fart, once he pulled out of my ass I fart, however, it turned out I shit myself on the spot. FML
~That just sucks.

Today, my crush was taking me somewhere. Being a gentleman, he opened the passenger door for me and then went to the driver's door. While he was going around, I had gas so I let out a huge fart. When he came in he asked if, "you guys met?" Turns out I failed to see the people in the back. FML
~Thats a bad idea in the first place, 'perfuming' the car for your crush? The friends in the back just made it that much 'sweeter'.

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years invited me over for his grandfathers 91st birthday. He took me to the garden in the backyard and got down on one knee while his whole family was watching when he said, "Oh I'm breaking up with you." (He was tying his shoe) Worst part was his grandpa dropped dead! FML
~WIAG and that's just cruel, first off breaking up with your long-term girlfriend infront of your entire family, and you get down on one knee like you are proposing?? No wonder the old man's heart went out there! Thats a pretty big shock to see what a douche your grandson has grown up to be!

Today, I went for an XXX wax. The woman who was waxing me instructed me to hold up my belly as it was hanging over and obscuring my groin. And if that wasn't bad enough, I let off a massive fart when trying to hold my tummy up, just as she was applying hot wax. FML.
~>.< yay for embarassing moment...that must of made her feel great about herself...