August 11, 2009

Today, I was at a party with my friends and i noticed a really attractive guy. I decided to walk up to him and start talking I said "your kinda hot" wraping my arms around him and he then responded "My girlfriend thinks so too" his girlfriend was right beside him the whole time.
~FAIL >.<' didn't think to check first?

I was looking through some of my adoptive parents' files in a filing cabinet. I found my birth certificate. After a brief glance, I made a huge discovery. Thanks to a small smudge, my adoptive parents have been calling me 'ij' instead of c.j. for the last 17 years. FML
~I highly doubt this one is true. There wouldn't be "c.j." written on the birth certificate since that is an abbreviation to a name, not a name itself.

Today, i was walking up this random alley and this male asain prositute came up to me and was trying to get me to have sex with him i kept saying no, eventually i caved in and had sex with him. (i know its messed up) And i didnt realise it till afterwards he filmed it and put it on the internet.FML
~What gender are you? You can just say no, and tell them to F off. Where did you have sex, and how did you not notice the camera?!?

Today, I psychoanalysed my boyfriend. I explained to him how his decreased sex drive was actually his subconscious explaining to him that either he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, or a hormone imbalance. Apparently I'm very good at reading his subconscious. FML
~Well what did you expect?

Today my dad came into my room without me knowing, and was standing there for about 10 minutes watching me masturbate his shoe horn. He thought it was hilarious and recorded it and put it on youtube and now my big butt is being viewed by thousands of people. FML
~WTF First, I'm curious how you masturbate with a shoe horn. Please enlighten me and I promise I won't question how you know this. Second...yeah don't even know how to go into the failness of the father there <.<

Today, I received a chilren's menu at a resaurant. The same thing happened to me yesterday as well. I am 16, 5'2", and am above average in bra size. . Apparently the world still thinks I'm younger than 12. FML
~Hey think of it this way! You can get discounted movie tickets :3

Today, when on my way to work i accidentally hit a car. Instead of waiting on the owner of the car to come i decide to hit and run. On my way home I went to a car shop to get and estimate on how much it would cost me to fix my car, But when i pulled into the garage i saw the same car i had hit. FML
~Karma bites doesn't it?

Today, this girl I've been seeing for a while and I were getting into it. She's an innocent Christian first-timer. Just as I was going to put it in, I got a wicked leg cramp and had to jump off the bed. She ran out of the room yelling, "It's a sign from God! I knew we shouldn't be doing this!" FML
~Ok now that's just funny XD

Today my moms MacBook Air was having some problems, the screen went all black on me. I spent $600 dollars to send it to the repair shop so they could fix it, and in a week i went to pick it up. They told me i needed to charge it. And they did NOT give me my money back. FML
~Since when does it cost $600 to ship an item? Unless they pre-charged for the cost of the repair...yeah but kind of their fault since they didn't think to even charge the darn thing lol

I was at an amusement park with some cute guy friends. Right after we came off the ride, I had vomit all over the back of my legs! I had to clean it all by myself because the guys are wusses. I smelled like vomit the whole day. FML
~Ugh. Now I'm trying to think of a ride that would get vomit on the back of your legs from another passenger, but no where else on you. Minds a blank right now...

Today, during some alone time with my girlfriend, she decided she would pay me back for cheating on her by biting my penis very hard. 4 hours and 46 stitches later, here i am with ice on my balls. Numb.. to say the least. FML
~Let me just say, WIN! I hold no sympathy for cheaters.

Today, I visited my parents and had let them know in advance of my new vegan diet. My dad commented loudly about this at dinner. He asked me about my sex life and told me in very plain terms that no proper vegan would ever swallow, and he was proud of me for being such a lady.
~I'm not sure if I'm feeling amused or disturbed by this one.

Today, my girlfriend and I looked up how to make her vagina taste like pineapple. We looked it up on the computer and left it on the table. My sister went to look up recipes and the first thing that popped up on the toolbar was, 'Food that make your vaginal secretions taste better'. She's 12. FML.
~ o.O' ooook well thats news to me. I knew that guys could change their taste by different diets but I didn't know that girls could too.

Today I came home from work to find all of my underage roommates drunk. When the cops showed up I was charged for contributing since I was the only one around of legal age. I have just spent the past 5 years going to school to become a teacher. With this on my record I am not able to teach. FML.
~Wow that really sucks. Wondering why someone called the cops though, they don't really do routine checks of random places to make sure that there is no underage drinking, so they must of had the music up too loud or doing stupid stuff. Either way that's 5 years and thousands of dollars out the window from stupid roommates <.<


Last night, I spent hours cleaning my apartment because my girlfriend of almost two years was coming over. After a hard day on her feet, I started to give her a foot massage, when she told me we were breaking up because of feelings she can't get over for a guy she dated years ago. Who is dead.FML.
~That's a little hard to get over, give her some time. Have to admit that's a little harsh for him though.

Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML
~Sorry but thats entirely your fault. You have a glass front door and still thought it would be ok to walk infront of it naked? Atleast grab a towel XD

Today, i decided id clean my room before my girlfriend came over, stupidly i decided to watch a bit of porn first and whilst hoovering started using it to masturbate myself, the nozel got stuck and just as a was trying to pull it off my mom came into my room with my girlfriend. FML
~Silly boys and putting their penises into anything that looks like it could fit.

I was trying to look for my PSP I bought a couple weeks ago. While I was doing that, my neighbor hired two people to cut down his huge tree. i walked on the front lawn to see how it was going, then I saw my PSP on their front driveway, before I had a chance to grab it, down came the branch on my PSP
~Why was your PSP randomly on their driveway anyways?

Today, at work, I was sitting there thinking it would be funny if me and the workers took some laxatives. I had 3 of them, there were 3 of us. We all drank them. After that we came to realize there were only 2 toilets. FML
~You have a strange sense of humor my friend. I don't usually put diarrea on my list of "Fun Things to do with Co-Workers"

Today, I had to rush to the hospital because my wife thought she was going into labor. When entering the parking lot, I realized that I accidentally went in the exit and drove over the strips that rip your tires. I ended up needing new tires and found out my wife wasn't going into labor. FML
~I'm a little scared to ask what kind of hospital has those strips O.o'

Today, my boyfriend and I were sitting in his backyard on a concrete path playing with grass and suddenly something fell out of his boxer shorts. It was poop. he responded by saying "yepp, I just shit a little" awkward at first, we laughed for awhile then he said "now we can never breakup" FML
~I think I just vomited a little in my mouth with that one. Why did he just shit himself? Aaaand yeah its still possible to break up with someone even with embarassing potential blackmail over their head...or should I say especially with embarassing potential blackmail >=D

Today, after 4 years with my BF and MULTIPLE discussions about the kids we WILL have, he told me he doesn't think we should have kids because of a few genetically inhertited traits in my family he doesn't want to pass onto any kids we might have. He doesn't want my DNA to screw up his DNA. FML
~What a douche. Well you could always do what you hear about...poke a hole in the condom and don't tell him about it ;)