July 16, 2009

Today, My parents were discussing having a baby and my dad decided he doesn't want another kid, later on my mom comes home with a $100 toy baby. She now pretends its real. My brother wasn't allowed to sleep at his friend's house because he has to spend the night with our new adopted baby "sister". FML
~ O.o wow I'd expect something like that from a kid or a woman going through post-partum depression, not someone that just wanted another baby. If I was her husband and was still even considering another child, that action would have changed my mind. Would you want to have a baby with a woman that thinks a toy one is alive? What if she plays favorites?

Today, I found out that my dick is smaller than that of a 70+ year old man. I fount out because my girlfriend compared me to her grandfather. FML
~ ...the question he should really be asking here, is why does his girlfriend know her grandfathers penis size? THATS where the real FML comes in. 70 is too soon to be needing help with diaper changes and bathing (atleast in my experience)

Today, the lady across the street gave me $50 to mow her lawn since she was going on vacation. It took me an hour and a half to finish. I went home and got a phone call saying I didn't do anything. Turned out my dad took out the blades of the lawn mower to get them sharpened and didn't tell me. FML
~You'd think the first clue would of been the lack of cut grass...even with a mower that collects the clippings in a bag, you should be able to tell if the grass is shorter or not while pushing it back and forth >.<'

Today, I called my girlfriend with *67 and told her I wanted to have sex with her. She answered by saying "But we already did it two days ago Joey" i came back from a buisness trip yesterday and my name is George. FML
~ For those of you that don't know, *67 enables your phone to call without showing who you are on caller id. Comes in handy sometimes. Like in this case. Well, atleast he found out about it without walking in on them right?

Today my girlfriend and i went back to my dorm room, to find my roommate asleep with a massive erection. My girlfriend then decided she wanted to break up with me, and i saw her slip her number on my rooomates desk before she left. FML
~Well if she was with you only for the sex then I don't think she was worth staying with anyways. Still, thats a little harsh <.<

Today, I found out that my 1 year boyfriend has been cheating on me for the past 3 months. With my mom. FML
~This isn't the first one that I've seen where a girl finds out that their boyfriend was sleeping with their mom, but it still suprises me. How do you react to something like that? What kind of mother would do that?

Today, I had sex with a 15 yr old. I'm 19. Her dad, who is a cop, came home early and caught us in bed. My court hearing is next week. FML
~I'm 20 and I have a 16 year old sister. Same age different +1 year. I would not consider dating (or sleeping with) any of her friends because of the age difference. I'm not saying that a 4 year age gap is huge, but for 15 and 19 there is a bit of a difference in maturity and brain development. I'm on the dads side on this one.

Today, my dad yelled at me because he saw me in 'an x-rated film'. I was in a gay porn. FML
~Well look on the bright side, he's ok that you're gay right? Though I admit the downside of knowing your dad has seen you having sex with another guy is kind of weird...

Today, while mowing my lawn, I noticed a small black plastic bag. Figuring it was just an empty bag, I ran over it with my mower. Seconds later, dog poop sprayed out from under my mower and all over my legs. Turns out it was one of those bags for picking up dog crap. FML
~Yeah totally their fault there. Running over even an empty bag is a bad idea in my opinion, turning 1 death trap into a million of them for animals. If they just took the time to pick it up, they would of realized it wasn't empty. But then again, I wouldn't have that lovely fml to share!

Today, I found out that my ex who I was about to get back together with decided to push me aside and date a 4th grader. He's 15 and I'm only one year younger than him. And his reasoning? She's actually pretty and hot. FML
~4th grade is ages 9-10 (depending on when your birthday is) again I would like to point out that later on in life a 5-6 year difference isn't a big deal, but this?? A high schooler dating a kid in elementary school? WTF?
Any Sailor Moon fans out there? This reminds me of Usagi (Serena) and Mamoru (Darien). In the original Japanese version, Usagi was a middle school student and Mamoru was in college. Yay for child molestation!

Today I was on date #4 with a guy i was really crushing on, all was going well. He's "a bit" older than myself, but thats how i like them. We started talking about our familys. Come to find out he knows my mom. Come to find out he slept with her 4 years before i was born... yeah FML
~A bit older than her? >___<>

Today, my girlfriend & I went out for Mexican food. She was telling me her stomach ached because she was 'full'. We went to my house after to fool around. Things got hot & I went down on her. Turns out her stomach hurt because the food gave her explosive diarrhea. Guess where my open mouth was. FML
~EWW I feel so bad for that guy >.<>

Today I was turning the water on in the shower to warm it up. I couldn't pull the plug to switch it to using shower head. I had to use both hands to yank it up, and when it finally budged I was immediately drenched in water. So was my newly dyed, not-yet-shampooed hair and my new white mini-dress. FML
~I can't really feel sorry for people who bring these things upon themselves. Wheneer I color or highlight my hair I wear old ratty clothes that I don't care about getting messed up, just incase some of the dye drips on it. Coloring your hair while wearing a new white mini-dress was just stupid.

Well that's it for now ^^