July 17, 2009

Today, my son took off his diaper in the playroom after filling it with shit and he and his sister proceeded to play with it like playdoh before I realized anything. It was in the carpet, galoshes, toy train tracks, fingernails, toy brushes, stuffed animals and between toy blocks like mortar. FML
~o.O wow...joys of parenthood? that's a pretty big epic fail on the daughter though. I thought even kids understood what poop was, you'd think the smell would make them keep away a little.

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together, as I try to pleasure her, she tells me not to, I stand up and scrape my butt against the bathtub faucet, it was sharp, I now have two parallel purple scars several inches long on my butt cheek... FML
~ouch, that doesn't sound good >.< tiny bathroom lol you'd think once they felt the faucet cutting into them, they might stop and move away a bit so they don't get gouged the entire length.

today, i was supposed to loose my virginity to my girlfriend. most of my mates have already done it so they told me to try some foreplay. when we got to it i told her to close her eyes and open her mouth, so she did. i then tried to put my balls in her mouth but ended up sharting(shit farting). FML.
~Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think his friends meant to try oral on _her_ not himself. Yum for hairy sweaty ball sack in your mouth, because that's what every girl wants before having sex with their boyfriend the first time...in order to accidentally shart, you have to purposefully fart. So its ok to fart in your girlfriend's face then?

Today, I pulled out the can of frozen mice guts my brother keeps in the fridge for his pet lizard. I assumed it was Ben and Jerry's without looking at the label, but I realized it wasn't when I tasted blood. FML
~ If you know your brother keeps dead animal parts in the freezer, wouldn't you not only check but double check to make sure you grabbed the ice cream? That's your fault there.

Today, im in trouble. After drinking heavily on the way to an amusement park I was feeling good enough to drive my totally wasted friends home to safety. Only minutes after dropping the last person off I was being pulled over. Trying to be responsible got me arrested. FML.
~You just admitted you were drinking heavily, and in the same statement you say you were being responsible by driving your friends home? No. The responsible thing would be to call a cab.

Today, I was going to check out my secret condom stash. When I looked inside, I found a note. The note read: "Thanks hun, I really needed this. Love, Mom". FML
~Ohhh if that doesn't say awkward moment then I don't know what does

Today, i was hanging out with my girlfriend who i have been in love with for 3 years. I came home to her dad at my house. He sat me down and told me he was in love with my mom and they are now engaged. Now me and my girlfriend are step-siblings. FML
~Whats the standard here? They aren't related, and they didn't grow up together. Would it be wrong for the step-siblings to marry in this case? Leave a comment with your opinion because I don't see anything wrong with it. Does suck though, but on the bright side he's with his girlfriend alot more and doesn't get in trouble for spending the night at her house right?

Today, I wrote you a FML about breaking a vase in a museum. PLEASE DON'T PUBLISH IT!!! I re-decided, I don't want the entire world to know I'm an idiot. THANKS!
~Oh dear...I have already passed through this guys story about breaking the vase and voted "yes its an fml" too late buddy...
He's a guide at a museum, saw some teenagers yelling and messing around and scolded them for not having respect for historic pieces, trips, and breaks a 150 year old vase >.<'

Today, I paid $20.00 for online babysitting classes. When I got the confirmation E-mail and clicked on the link, I got a page that said in capital, bold letters "YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED" and because I paid cash, the police can't track it. FML.
~So how do you pay in cash for an online scam? Without being traceable? You have to mail the money somewhere I assume, and that means an address that the police can trace.

today my friend was getting her belly button pierced. and i went along and i asked what should i get she told me "get your clit pierced its not like any one will see it, i mean what guys will go with you?" i looked at the man who was piercing my friends belly button he told me "shes got a point"
~Ouch, what great friends we have these days <.<'

Today i got inside a suitcase and my friends zipped me up and pushed me down the stairs. FML
~Why were you in the suitcase in the first place?

Today, i went up to my niece who is learning how to make change in school. I handed her 10 bucks and asked her if she could break it for me. She ripped it in half. FML
~You have to be specific with children! Or use paper fake money, both work.

Today, while fooling around with my girlfriend, she says she has to tell me something. I wasn't expecting what she said. As my hands were in her pants she tells me she is completely numb down there because she was raped at the age of 14, and there was absolutely no point in me even trying. FML
~That is not an F Your life buddy, that's an F her life. Oh I'm sorry, your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with you. How do you think she feels? Especially with the way you handled that personal story of hers that she decided to share with you. You my good sir, are a douche bag.

the other day my mum asked me if AGAIN i left my bra on in the laundry sink.. i lied and said it wasn't mine....the next day my dads bags were packed and at the front door waiting for a taxi. FML
~They always tell children after a divorce that it wasn't their fault....in this case congrats. You have split up your parents because you couldn't clean up after your sex trysts.

Today, I used new Purex three in one laundry sheets and I thought they were amazing. All my clothes turned blue including my uniform. I have work for the next three days. FML
~I thought you just said they were amazing? Turning your clothes blue doesn't sound amazing to me, make up your mind.

Today, my sister told me she has genital herpes. I've been using her vibrator without her knowing for the past 3 months. FML
~You shouldn't of been using her vibrator anyways o.O you thought THAT was ok? The herpes is a great revenge in my opinion (even if it was unintended!)

Today, I got a phone call from a secret admirer, he said " I love you. Our love is forbidden. I need you though, Will you marry me.?" I told him I knew who it was, he said he was sorry and hung up, It was my cousin.
~Aaaand now I have "Sweet Home Alabama" stuck in my head. Sorry if that offends anyone ^^"

Today, I was using my vibrator and I think it feels really good. I used it a couple of times but I didn't know that my sister was still home. She came in my room and said that she been spying on me. Then she asked if she could use my vibrator. I'm 13 and she is 18.
~Oh sick! Who spies on their little sister like that?!? And again with the sharing of vibrators! The only time that might be acceptable is between girlfriends, no not friends, girls who date girls (i.e. lesbians) but never from your sister!!! I would never...oh so wrong...