Today, I was at a party with my friends and i noticed a really attractive guy. I decided to walk up to him and start talking I said "your kinda hot" wraping my arms around him and he then responded "My girlfriend thinks so too" his girlfriend was right beside him the whole time.
~FAIL >.<' didn't think to check first?
I was looking through some of my adoptive parents' files in a filing cabinet. I found my birth certificate. After a brief glance, I made a huge discovery. Thanks to a small smudge, my adoptive parents have been calling me 'ij' instead of c.j. for the last 17 years. FML
~I highly doubt this one is true. There wouldn't be "c.j." written on the birth certificate since that is an abbreviation to a name, not a name itself.
Today, i was walking up this random alley and this male asain prositute came up to me and was trying to get me to have sex with him i kept saying no, eventually i caved in and had sex with him. (i know its messed up) And i didnt realise it till afterwards he filmed it and put it on the internet.FML
~What gender are you? You can just say no, and tell them to F off. Where did you have sex, and how did you not notice the camera?!?
Today, I psychoanalysed my boyfriend. I explained to him how his decreased sex drive was actually his subconscious explaining to him that either he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, or a hormone imbalance. Apparently I'm very good at reading his subconscious. FML
~Well what did you expect?
Today my dad came into my room without me knowing, and was standing there for about 10 minutes watching me masturbate his shoe horn. He thought it was hilarious and recorded it and put it on youtube and now my big butt is being viewed by thousands of people. FML
~WTF First, I'm curious how you masturbate with a shoe horn. Please enlighten me and I promise I won't question how you know this. Second...yeah don't even know how to go into the failness of the father there <.<
Today, I received a chilren's menu at a resaurant. The same thing happened to me yesterday as well. I am 16, 5'2", and am above average in bra size. . Apparently the world still thinks I'm younger than 12. FML
~Hey think of it this way! You can get discounted movie tickets :3
Today, when on my way to work i accidentally hit a car. Instead of waiting on the owner of the car to come i decide to hit and run. On my way home I went to a car shop to get and estimate on how much it would cost me to fix my car, But when i pulled into the garage i saw the same car i had hit. FML
~Karma bites doesn't it?
Today, this girl I've been seeing for a while and I were getting into it. She's an innocent Christian first-timer. Just as I was going to put it in, I got a wicked leg cramp and had to jump off the bed. She ran out of the room yelling, "It's a sign from God! I knew we shouldn't be doing this!" FML
~Ok now that's just funny XD
Today my moms MacBook Air was having some problems, the screen went all black on me. I spent $600 dollars to send it to the repair shop so they could fix it, and in a week i went to pick it up. They told me i needed to charge it. And they did NOT give me my money back. FML
~Since when does it cost $600 to ship an item? Unless they pre-charged for the cost of the repair...yeah but kind of their fault since they didn't think to even charge the darn thing lol
I was at an amusement park with some cute guy friends. Right after we came off the ride, I had vomit all over the back of my legs! I had to clean it all by myself because the guys are wusses. I smelled like vomit the whole day. FML
~Ugh. Now I'm trying to think of a ride that would get vomit on the back of your legs from another passenger, but no where else on you. Minds a blank right now...
Today, during some alone time with my girlfriend, she decided she would pay me back for cheating on her by biting my penis very hard. 4 hours and 46 stitches later, here i am with ice on my balls. Numb.. to say the least. FML
~Let me just say, WIN! I hold no sympathy for cheaters.
Today, I visited my parents and had let them know in advance of my new vegan diet. My dad commented loudly about this at dinner. He asked me about my sex life and told me in very plain terms that no proper vegan would ever swallow, and he was proud of me for being such a lady.
~I'm not sure if I'm feeling amused or disturbed by this one.
Today, my girlfriend and I looked up how to make her vagina taste like pineapple. We looked it up on the computer and left it on the table. My sister went to look up recipes and the first thing that popped up on the toolbar was, 'Food that make your vaginal secretions taste better'. She's 12. FML.
~ o.O' ooook well thats news to me. I knew that guys could change their taste by different diets but I didn't know that girls could too.
Today I came home from work to find all of my underage roommates drunk. When the cops showed up I was charged for contributing since I was the only one around of legal age. I have just spent the past 5 years going to school to become a teacher. With this on my record I am not able to teach. FML.
~Wow that really sucks. Wondering why someone called the cops though, they don't really do routine checks of random places to make sure that there is no underage drinking, so they must of had the music up too loud or doing stupid stuff. Either way that's 5 years and thousands of dollars out the window from stupid roommates <.<
Last night, I spent hours cleaning my apartment because my girlfriend of almost two years was coming over. After a hard day on her feet, I started to give her a foot massage, when she told me we were breaking up because of feelings she can't get over for a guy she dated years ago. Who is dead.FML.
~That's a little hard to get over, give her some time. Have to admit that's a little harsh for him though.
Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML
~Sorry but thats entirely your fault. You have a glass front door and still thought it would be ok to walk infront of it naked? Atleast grab a towel XD
Today, i decided id clean my room before my girlfriend came over, stupidly i decided to watch a bit of porn first and whilst hoovering started using it to masturbate myself, the nozel got stuck and just as a was trying to pull it off my mom came into my room with my girlfriend. FML
~Silly boys and putting their penises into anything that looks like it could fit.
I was trying to look for my PSP I bought a couple weeks ago. While I was doing that, my neighbor hired two people to cut down his huge tree. i walked on the front lawn to see how it was going, then I saw my PSP on their front driveway, before I had a chance to grab it, down came the branch on my PSP
~Why was your PSP randomly on their driveway anyways?
Today, at work, I was sitting there thinking it would be funny if me and the workers took some laxatives. I had 3 of them, there were 3 of us. We all drank them. After that we came to realize there were only 2 toilets. FML
~You have a strange sense of humor my friend. I don't usually put diarrea on my list of "Fun Things to do with Co-Workers"
Today, I had to rush to the hospital because my wife thought she was going into labor. When entering the parking lot, I realized that I accidentally went in the exit and drove over the strips that rip your tires. I ended up needing new tires and found out my wife wasn't going into labor. FML
~I'm a little scared to ask what kind of hospital has those strips O.o'
Today, my boyfriend and I were sitting in his backyard on a concrete path playing with grass and suddenly something fell out of his boxer shorts. It was poop. he responded by saying "yepp, I just shit a little" awkward at first, we laughed for awhile then he said "now we can never breakup" FML
~I think I just vomited a little in my mouth with that one. Why did he just shit himself? Aaaand yeah its still possible to break up with someone even with embarassing potential blackmail over their head...or should I say especially with embarassing potential blackmail >=D
Today, after 4 years with my BF and MULTIPLE discussions about the kids we WILL have, he told me he doesn't think we should have kids because of a few genetically inhertited traits in my family he doesn't want to pass onto any kids we might have. He doesn't want my DNA to screw up his DNA. FML
~What a douche. Well you could always do what you hear about...poke a hole in the condom and don't tell him about it ;)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
July 20, 2009
Today, I was in the forest with my boyfriend and I wanted to turn him on. I began to back up 'sexily' to a tree, but instead tripped on a branch and fell down a hill. Not only did he laugh nonstop, I now have a broken ankle. FML.
~Must of had some bad aim. Hill = tree? Bad move on the boyfriend part. What should of happened was a replay scene from The Princess Bride.
Today i went out to buy shoes to fit my leg braces i just got to help me walk. i cannot move or feel from the waist down. when i get home my father was helping me get the shoes on with my braces, after about 10 minutes we finally get them on and he then asks,"so how do they feel?" FML.
~Wow...that's a fail father. Even if he meant it as a joke, thats really cruel.
Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend and I let him cum on my boobs. While doing so he farted, smiled, and kept going. When he finished, I felt something wet on my thigh. I turned on the light and discovered he had taken a shit on me. FML
~Hey here's an idea. Whenever there is a post like this in addition to my little comment, I will put "WIAG" (why I am gay) and maybe it might help some guys out there so there will be less FMLs amoung the lines of "Today my girlfriend left me for another girl. FML" Now that that is out of the way...way to go. Congrats, you just shat on your girlfriend.
Today, I decided to wash the dishes, but the garbage disposle side had a food stopper in it. Knowing my wife put it there, so I took it off and contiuned to wash the dishes. My brand new 14k ring with bands of diamonds went down the garbage disposle. And my wife came up and turned it on.FML
~ Damn >.< well atleast he didn't have his hand stuck in the disposal going after the ring right?
today i walked home from my friends house, it was dark so i started peeing and walked into a spiderweb, thinking it was fine i finished peeing and went home.the next morning i went to take a piss,i looked down and my penis was swollen........the worst part was my doctor said i need it amputated. fml
~So he was walking while he was peeing? That in itself seems like a bad idea, I'm not too familiar with that particular mechanism that men have, but I would think you might get some on yourself. Funny how he never said he felt a bite...
Today, I found out why my parents don't think I have sex. They think I am scared of it. And offered to get me counseling for it. They were 100% serious. FML.
~This entry is missing a very important piece of information. The part where they say "I'm __ years old."
Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems during my lunch break my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying, "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML
~That's why you don't have your computer set to auto-sign you in to your IM program.
Today I dressed up in my mother's lingerie which consisted of peek a boo bra and panties with fishnet leggings. I started to use her vibrator. Five minutes later she walks in on me masturbating in her sex lingerie with her vibrator shoved in my vagina. FML
~I think I just vomited a little in my mouth...I don't want to know what my mothers lingerei looks like,much less wear it. Don't even get me started again on the subject of shared vibrators...
Yo I walk all the way to cumbys for a dutch it closes at 12 its 11:47 and there fuckin door was locked and the bitch just looked at me like i was stupid all i wanted was to roll an L ! FML
~...I just put this one here because I don't know what the heck they are saying. Somehow I envision a skinny white guy posting this trying to sound cool though.
Today, I bought organic fertilizer for my garden. I don't own gardening gloves, so I spread it with my bare hands. Turns out, my organic fertilizer is just powdered blood. FML.
~Well I didn't know that they used powdered blood, but I do know that "fertilizer" is usually some form of animal dung. I wouldn't want to spread that with my bare hands either XP
Today, I woke up after making love to my boyfriend for the very first time. I planned a romantic night for us and thought it was absolutely magical. This morning I went on his facebook and saw a comment from his best friend saying "good job railing her last night". FML.
~WIAG. Think thats all thats needed here...
Today, there was an ad for online dating on my computer. I thought my dad was cheating on my mom. They got into a huge argument, and my dad was so pissed he went through my email because I had "invaded" his privacy. There was a picture of me in my mirror. I was naked. Charma's a Bitch. FML
~First off, you can get tons of different kinds of pop-ups on your computer without ever visiting that site or even anything similar to the site. Second, don't have your passwords saved on a shared computer, thats asking for trouble. Especially if you have something like that to hide.
Today, my little sister learned about blood types. Trying to help her "get it," I tried to show her how our parent's blood types resulted in ours. Instead, I discovered that none of us three children, have types that are among the possible results of the combination of our parents blood types. FML
~Not entirely true. Blood type is more complicated to match up than other Dominant/recessive traits. There are 3 factors to match up I think. So everyone knows that a type A mom and a type B dad can have a type O kid (AO and BO) but did you know that two type Os can have a type A or B child? Most of the time O is recessive, but sometimes it is dominant. I really wish they listed the blood types so I could figure it out because now I'm curious lol
Today, I was walking home from work. In the city. Halfway to the trainstation, A drug addict woman wearing nothing but a T-Shirt (not including underwear), comes up to me and bites my wrist. I now have H.I.V FML
~ O__o' Wow that has to be the most accurate "FML" that I've seen...kind of life changing and ruining all at once, and it isn't the posters fault either.
Today, I was talking to my mom on the phone and I was asking her to clean my room before I got home from vacation. Her response. "Oh, you left your penis on the floor." Yeah I'm a lesbian & that was my strap on. FML
~ XD lmao your fault for leaving that out! AND for asking your mother to clean your room for you! If you are old enough to have/use a strap-on, then you are old enough for your mom to stop cleaning your room for you!
Today I texted my girlfriend mentioning my penis. Being the modest person I am I told her that I thought it was smaller than average but it didn't bother me because I had no control over it. I figured shed text back and be nice by saying something good about it, she changed the subject entirely. FML
~What made you randomly decide to tell your girlfriend about your penis? I would probably change the subject regardless of what size he said it was!
Today, I woke up at 3 AM because I heard strange sounds downstairs and saw the lights were on. Thinking it were burglars I armed myself with several knives, a katana and loaded up my crossbow. Armed to the teeth I burst into the living room, finding my dad went for a midnight snack. FML
~Daaamn I wouldn't want to be caught trying to steal from this guy! A little overboard though, I think the crossbow and katana might be enough to scare them off.
Today, I told my husband he fell asleep on the toilet after a night of heavy drinking. He didn't believe me until he checked his boxers and found shit stains EVERYWHERE. Not only did I buy him that pair of boxers for $12 the day before, I also had sex with him. While he had shit. All. Over. Him. FML
~ WTF?? Why would you have sex with a guy covered in shit? Unless you are into that kind of thing...but she doesn't seem like she was. And wouldn't the smell be an indication? Or atleast kill the mood a little for a diaper check?
Today, my boyfriend and I were having anal sex, while his fingers were stimulating my clitoris I felt the sudden need to fart. I realized I was close to climax so if I had an orgasm he wouldn't notice my fart, once he pulled out of my ass I fart, however, it turned out I shit myself on the spot. FML
~That just sucks.
Today, my crush was taking me somewhere. Being a gentleman, he opened the passenger door for me and then went to the driver's door. While he was going around, I had gas so I let out a huge fart. When he came in he asked if, "you guys met?" Turns out I failed to see the people in the back. FML
~Thats a bad idea in the first place, 'perfuming' the car for your crush? The friends in the back just made it that much 'sweeter'.
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years invited me over for his grandfathers 91st birthday. He took me to the garden in the backyard and got down on one knee while his whole family was watching when he said, "Oh I'm breaking up with you." (He was tying his shoe) Worst part was his grandpa dropped dead! FML
~WIAG and that's just cruel, first off breaking up with your long-term girlfriend infront of your entire family, and you get down on one knee like you are proposing?? No wonder the old man's heart went out there! Thats a pretty big shock to see what a douche your grandson has grown up to be!
Today, I went for an XXX wax. The woman who was waxing me instructed me to hold up my belly as it was hanging over and obscuring my groin. And if that wasn't bad enough, I let off a massive fart when trying to hold my tummy up, just as she was applying hot wax. FML.
~>.< yay for embarassing moment...that must of made her feel great about herself...
~Must of had some bad aim. Hill = tree? Bad move on the boyfriend part. What should of happened was a replay scene from The Princess Bride.
Today i went out to buy shoes to fit my leg braces i just got to help me walk. i cannot move or feel from the waist down. when i get home my father was helping me get the shoes on with my braces, after about 10 minutes we finally get them on and he then asks,"so how do they feel?" FML.
~Wow...that's a fail father. Even if he meant it as a joke, thats really cruel.
Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend and I let him cum on my boobs. While doing so he farted, smiled, and kept going. When he finished, I felt something wet on my thigh. I turned on the light and discovered he had taken a shit on me. FML
~Hey here's an idea. Whenever there is a post like this in addition to my little comment, I will put "WIAG" (why I am gay) and maybe it might help some guys out there so there will be less FMLs amoung the lines of "Today my girlfriend left me for another girl. FML" Now that that is out of the way...way to go. Congrats, you just shat on your girlfriend.
Today, I decided to wash the dishes, but the garbage disposle side had a food stopper in it. Knowing my wife put it there, so I took it off and contiuned to wash the dishes. My brand new 14k ring with bands of diamonds went down the garbage disposle. And my wife came up and turned it on.FML
~ Damn >.< well atleast he didn't have his hand stuck in the disposal going after the ring right?
today i walked home from my friends house, it was dark so i started peeing and walked into a spiderweb, thinking it was fine i finished peeing and went home.the next morning i went to take a piss,i looked down and my penis was swollen........the worst part was my doctor said i need it amputated. fml
~So he was walking while he was peeing? That in itself seems like a bad idea, I'm not too familiar with that particular mechanism that men have, but I would think you might get some on yourself. Funny how he never said he felt a bite...
Today, I found out why my parents don't think I have sex. They think I am scared of it. And offered to get me counseling for it. They were 100% serious. FML.
~This entry is missing a very important piece of information. The part where they say "I'm __ years old."
Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems during my lunch break my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying, "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML
~That's why you don't have your computer set to auto-sign you in to your IM program.
Today I dressed up in my mother's lingerie which consisted of peek a boo bra and panties with fishnet leggings. I started to use her vibrator. Five minutes later she walks in on me masturbating in her sex lingerie with her vibrator shoved in my vagina. FML
~I think I just vomited a little in my mouth...I don't want to know what my mothers lingerei looks like,much less wear it. Don't even get me started again on the subject of shared vibrators...
Yo I walk all the way to cumbys for a dutch it closes at 12 its 11:47 and there fuckin door was locked and the bitch just looked at me like i was stupid all i wanted was to roll an L ! FML
~...I just put this one here because I don't know what the heck they are saying. Somehow I envision a skinny white guy posting this trying to sound cool though.
Today, I bought organic fertilizer for my garden. I don't own gardening gloves, so I spread it with my bare hands. Turns out, my organic fertilizer is just powdered blood. FML.
~Well I didn't know that they used powdered blood, but I do know that "fertilizer" is usually some form of animal dung. I wouldn't want to spread that with my bare hands either XP
Today, I woke up after making love to my boyfriend for the very first time. I planned a romantic night for us and thought it was absolutely magical. This morning I went on his facebook and saw a comment from his best friend saying "good job railing her last night". FML.
~WIAG. Think thats all thats needed here...
Today, there was an ad for online dating on my computer. I thought my dad was cheating on my mom. They got into a huge argument, and my dad was so pissed he went through my email because I had "invaded" his privacy. There was a picture of me in my mirror. I was naked. Charma's a Bitch. FML
~First off, you can get tons of different kinds of pop-ups on your computer without ever visiting that site or even anything similar to the site. Second, don't have your passwords saved on a shared computer, thats asking for trouble. Especially if you have something like that to hide.
Today, my little sister learned about blood types. Trying to help her "get it," I tried to show her how our parent's blood types resulted in ours. Instead, I discovered that none of us three children, have types that are among the possible results of the combination of our parents blood types. FML
~Not entirely true. Blood type is more complicated to match up than other Dominant/recessive traits. There are 3 factors to match up I think. So everyone knows that a type A mom and a type B dad can have a type O kid (AO and BO) but did you know that two type Os can have a type A or B child? Most of the time O is recessive, but sometimes it is dominant. I really wish they listed the blood types so I could figure it out because now I'm curious lol
Today, I was walking home from work. In the city. Halfway to the trainstation, A drug addict woman wearing nothing but a T-Shirt (not including underwear), comes up to me and bites my wrist. I now have H.I.V FML
~ O__o' Wow that has to be the most accurate "FML" that I've seen...kind of life changing and ruining all at once, and it isn't the posters fault either.
Today, I was talking to my mom on the phone and I was asking her to clean my room before I got home from vacation. Her response. "Oh, you left your penis on the floor." Yeah I'm a lesbian & that was my strap on. FML
~ XD lmao your fault for leaving that out! AND for asking your mother to clean your room for you! If you are old enough to have/use a strap-on, then you are old enough for your mom to stop cleaning your room for you!
Today I texted my girlfriend mentioning my penis. Being the modest person I am I told her that I thought it was smaller than average but it didn't bother me because I had no control over it. I figured shed text back and be nice by saying something good about it, she changed the subject entirely. FML
~What made you randomly decide to tell your girlfriend about your penis? I would probably change the subject regardless of what size he said it was!
Today, I woke up at 3 AM because I heard strange sounds downstairs and saw the lights were on. Thinking it were burglars I armed myself with several knives, a katana and loaded up my crossbow. Armed to the teeth I burst into the living room, finding my dad went for a midnight snack. FML
~Daaamn I wouldn't want to be caught trying to steal from this guy! A little overboard though, I think the crossbow and katana might be enough to scare them off.
Today, I told my husband he fell asleep on the toilet after a night of heavy drinking. He didn't believe me until he checked his boxers and found shit stains EVERYWHERE. Not only did I buy him that pair of boxers for $12 the day before, I also had sex with him. While he had shit. All. Over. Him. FML
~ WTF?? Why would you have sex with a guy covered in shit? Unless you are into that kind of thing...but she doesn't seem like she was. And wouldn't the smell be an indication? Or atleast kill the mood a little for a diaper check?
Today, my boyfriend and I were having anal sex, while his fingers were stimulating my clitoris I felt the sudden need to fart. I realized I was close to climax so if I had an orgasm he wouldn't notice my fart, once he pulled out of my ass I fart, however, it turned out I shit myself on the spot. FML
~That just sucks.
Today, my crush was taking me somewhere. Being a gentleman, he opened the passenger door for me and then went to the driver's door. While he was going around, I had gas so I let out a huge fart. When he came in he asked if, "you guys met?" Turns out I failed to see the people in the back. FML
~Thats a bad idea in the first place, 'perfuming' the car for your crush? The friends in the back just made it that much 'sweeter'.
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years invited me over for his grandfathers 91st birthday. He took me to the garden in the backyard and got down on one knee while his whole family was watching when he said, "Oh I'm breaking up with you." (He was tying his shoe) Worst part was his grandpa dropped dead! FML
~WIAG and that's just cruel, first off breaking up with your long-term girlfriend infront of your entire family, and you get down on one knee like you are proposing?? No wonder the old man's heart went out there! Thats a pretty big shock to see what a douche your grandson has grown up to be!
Today, I went for an XXX wax. The woman who was waxing me instructed me to hold up my belly as it was hanging over and obscuring my groin. And if that wasn't bad enough, I let off a massive fart when trying to hold my tummy up, just as she was applying hot wax. FML.
~>.< yay for embarassing moment...that must of made her feel great about herself...
Friday, July 17, 2009
July 17, 2009
Today, my son took off his diaper in the playroom after filling it with shit and he and his sister proceeded to play with it like playdoh before I realized anything. It was in the carpet, galoshes, toy train tracks, fingernails, toy brushes, stuffed animals and between toy blocks like mortar. FML
~o.O wow...joys of parenthood? that's a pretty big epic fail on the daughter though. I thought even kids understood what poop was, you'd think the smell would make them keep away a little.
Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together, as I try to pleasure her, she tells me not to, I stand up and scrape my butt against the bathtub faucet, it was sharp, I now have two parallel purple scars several inches long on my butt cheek... FML
~ouch, that doesn't sound good >.< tiny bathroom lol you'd think once they felt the faucet cutting into them, they might stop and move away a bit so they don't get gouged the entire length.
today, i was supposed to loose my virginity to my girlfriend. most of my mates have already done it so they told me to try some foreplay. when we got to it i told her to close her eyes and open her mouth, so she did. i then tried to put my balls in her mouth but ended up sharting(shit farting). FML.
~Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think his friends meant to try oral on _her_ not himself. Yum for hairy sweaty ball sack in your mouth, because that's what every girl wants before having sex with their boyfriend the first time...in order to accidentally shart, you have to purposefully fart. So its ok to fart in your girlfriend's face then?
Today, I pulled out the can of frozen mice guts my brother keeps in the fridge for his pet lizard. I assumed it was Ben and Jerry's without looking at the label, but I realized it wasn't when I tasted blood. FML
~ If you know your brother keeps dead animal parts in the freezer, wouldn't you not only check but double check to make sure you grabbed the ice cream? That's your fault there.
Today, im in trouble. After drinking heavily on the way to an amusement park I was feeling good enough to drive my totally wasted friends home to safety. Only minutes after dropping the last person off I was being pulled over. Trying to be responsible got me arrested. FML.
~You just admitted you were drinking heavily, and in the same statement you say you were being responsible by driving your friends home? No. The responsible thing would be to call a cab.
Today, I was going to check out my secret condom stash. When I looked inside, I found a note. The note read: "Thanks hun, I really needed this. Love, Mom". FML
~Ohhh if that doesn't say awkward moment then I don't know what does
Today, i was hanging out with my girlfriend who i have been in love with for 3 years. I came home to her dad at my house. He sat me down and told me he was in love with my mom and they are now engaged. Now me and my girlfriend are step-siblings. FML
~Whats the standard here? They aren't related, and they didn't grow up together. Would it be wrong for the step-siblings to marry in this case? Leave a comment with your opinion because I don't see anything wrong with it. Does suck though, but on the bright side he's with his girlfriend alot more and doesn't get in trouble for spending the night at her house right?
Today, I wrote you a FML about breaking a vase in a museum. PLEASE DON'T PUBLISH IT!!! I re-decided, I don't want the entire world to know I'm an idiot. THANKS!
~Oh dear...I have already passed through this guys story about breaking the vase and voted "yes its an fml" too late buddy...
He's a guide at a museum, saw some teenagers yelling and messing around and scolded them for not having respect for historic pieces, trips, and breaks a 150 year old vase >.<'
Today, I paid $20.00 for online babysitting classes. When I got the confirmation E-mail and clicked on the link, I got a page that said in capital, bold letters "YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED" and because I paid cash, the police can't track it. FML.
~So how do you pay in cash for an online scam? Without being traceable? You have to mail the money somewhere I assume, and that means an address that the police can trace.
today my friend was getting her belly button pierced. and i went along and i asked what should i get she told me "get your clit pierced its not like any one will see it, i mean what guys will go with you?" i looked at the man who was piercing my friends belly button he told me "shes got a point"
~Ouch, what great friends we have these days <.<'
Today i got inside a suitcase and my friends zipped me up and pushed me down the stairs. FML
~Why were you in the suitcase in the first place?
Today, i went up to my niece who is learning how to make change in school. I handed her 10 bucks and asked her if she could break it for me. She ripped it in half. FML
~You have to be specific with children! Or use paper fake money, both work.
Today, while fooling around with my girlfriend, she says she has to tell me something. I wasn't expecting what she said. As my hands were in her pants she tells me she is completely numb down there because she was raped at the age of 14, and there was absolutely no point in me even trying. FML
~That is not an F Your life buddy, that's an F her life. Oh I'm sorry, your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with you. How do you think she feels? Especially with the way you handled that personal story of hers that she decided to share with you. You my good sir, are a douche bag.
the other day my mum asked me if AGAIN i left my bra on in the laundry sink.. i lied and said it wasn't mine....the next day my dads bags were packed and at the front door waiting for a taxi. FML
~They always tell children after a divorce that it wasn't their fault....in this case congrats. You have split up your parents because you couldn't clean up after your sex trysts.
Today, I used new Purex three in one laundry sheets and I thought they were amazing. All my clothes turned blue including my uniform. I have work for the next three days. FML
~I thought you just said they were amazing? Turning your clothes blue doesn't sound amazing to me, make up your mind.
Today, my sister told me she has genital herpes. I've been using her vibrator without her knowing for the past 3 months. FML
~You shouldn't of been using her vibrator anyways o.O you thought THAT was ok? The herpes is a great revenge in my opinion (even if it was unintended!)
Today, I got a phone call from a secret admirer, he said " I love you. Our love is forbidden. I need you though, Will you marry me.?" I told him I knew who it was, he said he was sorry and hung up, It was my cousin.
~Aaaand now I have "Sweet Home Alabama" stuck in my head. Sorry if that offends anyone ^^"
Today, I was using my vibrator and I think it feels really good. I used it a couple of times but I didn't know that my sister was still home. She came in my room and said that she been spying on me. Then she asked if she could use my vibrator. I'm 13 and she is 18.
~Oh sick! Who spies on their little sister like that?!? And again with the sharing of vibrators! The only time that might be acceptable is between girlfriends, no not friends, girls who date girls (i.e. lesbians) but never from your sister!!! I would never...oh so wrong...
~o.O wow...joys of parenthood? that's a pretty big epic fail on the daughter though. I thought even kids understood what poop was, you'd think the smell would make them keep away a little.
Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together, as I try to pleasure her, she tells me not to, I stand up and scrape my butt against the bathtub faucet, it was sharp, I now have two parallel purple scars several inches long on my butt cheek... FML
~ouch, that doesn't sound good >.< tiny bathroom lol you'd think once they felt the faucet cutting into them, they might stop and move away a bit so they don't get gouged the entire length.
today, i was supposed to loose my virginity to my girlfriend. most of my mates have already done it so they told me to try some foreplay. when we got to it i told her to close her eyes and open her mouth, so she did. i then tried to put my balls in her mouth but ended up sharting(shit farting). FML.
~Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think his friends meant to try oral on _her_ not himself. Yum for hairy sweaty ball sack in your mouth, because that's what every girl wants before having sex with their boyfriend the first time...in order to accidentally shart, you have to purposefully fart. So its ok to fart in your girlfriend's face then?
Today, I pulled out the can of frozen mice guts my brother keeps in the fridge for his pet lizard. I assumed it was Ben and Jerry's without looking at the label, but I realized it wasn't when I tasted blood. FML
~ If you know your brother keeps dead animal parts in the freezer, wouldn't you not only check but double check to make sure you grabbed the ice cream? That's your fault there.
Today, im in trouble. After drinking heavily on the way to an amusement park I was feeling good enough to drive my totally wasted friends home to safety. Only minutes after dropping the last person off I was being pulled over. Trying to be responsible got me arrested. FML.
~You just admitted you were drinking heavily, and in the same statement you say you were being responsible by driving your friends home? No. The responsible thing would be to call a cab.
Today, I was going to check out my secret condom stash. When I looked inside, I found a note. The note read: "Thanks hun, I really needed this. Love, Mom". FML
~Ohhh if that doesn't say awkward moment then I don't know what does
Today, i was hanging out with my girlfriend who i have been in love with for 3 years. I came home to her dad at my house. He sat me down and told me he was in love with my mom and they are now engaged. Now me and my girlfriend are step-siblings. FML
~Whats the standard here? They aren't related, and they didn't grow up together. Would it be wrong for the step-siblings to marry in this case? Leave a comment with your opinion because I don't see anything wrong with it. Does suck though, but on the bright side he's with his girlfriend alot more and doesn't get in trouble for spending the night at her house right?
Today, I wrote you a FML about breaking a vase in a museum. PLEASE DON'T PUBLISH IT!!! I re-decided, I don't want the entire world to know I'm an idiot. THANKS!
~Oh dear...I have already passed through this guys story about breaking the vase and voted "yes its an fml" too late buddy...
He's a guide at a museum, saw some teenagers yelling and messing around and scolded them for not having respect for historic pieces, trips, and breaks a 150 year old vase >.<'
Today, I paid $20.00 for online babysitting classes. When I got the confirmation E-mail and clicked on the link, I got a page that said in capital, bold letters "YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED" and because I paid cash, the police can't track it. FML.
~So how do you pay in cash for an online scam? Without being traceable? You have to mail the money somewhere I assume, and that means an address that the police can trace.
today my friend was getting her belly button pierced. and i went along and i asked what should i get she told me "get your clit pierced its not like any one will see it, i mean what guys will go with you?" i looked at the man who was piercing my friends belly button he told me "shes got a point"
~Ouch, what great friends we have these days <.<'
Today i got inside a suitcase and my friends zipped me up and pushed me down the stairs. FML
~Why were you in the suitcase in the first place?
Today, i went up to my niece who is learning how to make change in school. I handed her 10 bucks and asked her if she could break it for me. She ripped it in half. FML
~You have to be specific with children! Or use paper fake money, both work.
Today, while fooling around with my girlfriend, she says she has to tell me something. I wasn't expecting what she said. As my hands were in her pants she tells me she is completely numb down there because she was raped at the age of 14, and there was absolutely no point in me even trying. FML
~That is not an F Your life buddy, that's an F her life. Oh I'm sorry, your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with you. How do you think she feels? Especially with the way you handled that personal story of hers that she decided to share with you. You my good sir, are a douche bag.
the other day my mum asked me if AGAIN i left my bra on in the laundry sink.. i lied and said it wasn't mine....the next day my dads bags were packed and at the front door waiting for a taxi. FML
~They always tell children after a divorce that it wasn't their fault....in this case congrats. You have split up your parents because you couldn't clean up after your sex trysts.
Today, I used new Purex three in one laundry sheets and I thought they were amazing. All my clothes turned blue including my uniform. I have work for the next three days. FML
~I thought you just said they were amazing? Turning your clothes blue doesn't sound amazing to me, make up your mind.
Today, my sister told me she has genital herpes. I've been using her vibrator without her knowing for the past 3 months. FML
~You shouldn't of been using her vibrator anyways o.O you thought THAT was ok? The herpes is a great revenge in my opinion (even if it was unintended!)
Today, I got a phone call from a secret admirer, he said " I love you. Our love is forbidden. I need you though, Will you marry me.?" I told him I knew who it was, he said he was sorry and hung up, It was my cousin.
~Aaaand now I have "Sweet Home Alabama" stuck in my head. Sorry if that offends anyone ^^"
Today, I was using my vibrator and I think it feels really good. I used it a couple of times but I didn't know that my sister was still home. She came in my room and said that she been spying on me. Then she asked if she could use my vibrator. I'm 13 and she is 18.
~Oh sick! Who spies on their little sister like that?!? And again with the sharing of vibrators! The only time that might be acceptable is between girlfriends, no not friends, girls who date girls (i.e. lesbians) but never from your sister!!! I would never...oh so wrong...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
July 16, 2009
Today, My parents were discussing having a baby and my dad decided he doesn't want another kid, later on my mom comes home with a $100 toy baby. She now pretends its real. My brother wasn't allowed to sleep at his friend's house because he has to spend the night with our new adopted baby "sister". FML
~ O.o wow I'd expect something like that from a kid or a woman going through post-partum depression, not someone that just wanted another baby. If I was her husband and was still even considering another child, that action would have changed my mind. Would you want to have a baby with a woman that thinks a toy one is alive? What if she plays favorites?
Today, I found out that my dick is smaller than that of a 70+ year old man. I fount out because my girlfriend compared me to her grandfather. FML
~ ...the question he should really be asking here, is why does his girlfriend know her grandfathers penis size? THATS where the real FML comes in. 70 is too soon to be needing help with diaper changes and bathing (atleast in my experience)
Today, the lady across the street gave me $50 to mow her lawn since she was going on vacation. It took me an hour and a half to finish. I went home and got a phone call saying I didn't do anything. Turned out my dad took out the blades of the lawn mower to get them sharpened and didn't tell me. FML
~You'd think the first clue would of been the lack of cut grass...even with a mower that collects the clippings in a bag, you should be able to tell if the grass is shorter or not while pushing it back and forth >.<'
Today, I called my girlfriend with *67 and told her I wanted to have sex with her. She answered by saying "But we already did it two days ago Joey" i came back from a buisness trip yesterday and my name is George. FML
~ For those of you that don't know, *67 enables your phone to call without showing who you are on caller id. Comes in handy sometimes. Like in this case. Well, atleast he found out about it without walking in on them right?
Today my girlfriend and i went back to my dorm room, to find my roommate asleep with a massive erection. My girlfriend then decided she wanted to break up with me, and i saw her slip her number on my rooomates desk before she left. FML
~Well if she was with you only for the sex then I don't think she was worth staying with anyways. Still, thats a little harsh <.<
Today, I found out that my 1 year boyfriend has been cheating on me for the past 3 months. With my mom. FML
~This isn't the first one that I've seen where a girl finds out that their boyfriend was sleeping with their mom, but it still suprises me. How do you react to something like that? What kind of mother would do that?
Today, I had sex with a 15 yr old. I'm 19. Her dad, who is a cop, came home early and caught us in bed. My court hearing is next week. FML
~I'm 20 and I have a 16 year old sister. Same age different +1 year. I would not consider dating (or sleeping with) any of her friends because of the age difference. I'm not saying that a 4 year age gap is huge, but for 15 and 19 there is a bit of a difference in maturity and brain development. I'm on the dads side on this one.
Today, my dad yelled at me because he saw me in 'an x-rated film'. I was in a gay porn. FML
~Well look on the bright side, he's ok that you're gay right? Though I admit the downside of knowing your dad has seen you having sex with another guy is kind of weird...
Today, while mowing my lawn, I noticed a small black plastic bag. Figuring it was just an empty bag, I ran over it with my mower. Seconds later, dog poop sprayed out from under my mower and all over my legs. Turns out it was one of those bags for picking up dog crap. FML
~Yeah totally their fault there. Running over even an empty bag is a bad idea in my opinion, turning 1 death trap into a million of them for animals. If they just took the time to pick it up, they would of realized it wasn't empty. But then again, I wouldn't have that lovely fml to share!
Today, I found out that my ex who I was about to get back together with decided to push me aside and date a 4th grader. He's 15 and I'm only one year younger than him. And his reasoning? She's actually pretty and hot. FML
~4th grade is ages 9-10 (depending on when your birthday is) again I would like to point out that later on in life a 5-6 year difference isn't a big deal, but this?? A high schooler dating a kid in elementary school? WTF?
Any Sailor Moon fans out there? This reminds me of Usagi (Serena) and Mamoru (Darien). In the original Japanese version, Usagi was a middle school student and Mamoru was in college. Yay for child molestation!
Today I was on date #4 with a guy i was really crushing on, all was going well. He's "a bit" older than myself, but thats how i like them. We started talking about our familys. Come to find out he knows my mom. Come to find out he slept with her 4 years before i was born... yeah FML
~A bit older than her? >___<>
Today, my girlfriend & I went out for Mexican food. She was telling me her stomach ached because she was 'full'. We went to my house after to fool around. Things got hot & I went down on her. Turns out her stomach hurt because the food gave her explosive diarrhea. Guess where my open mouth was. FML
~EWW I feel so bad for that guy >.<>
Today I was turning the water on in the shower to warm it up. I couldn't pull the plug to switch it to using shower head. I had to use both hands to yank it up, and when it finally budged I was immediately drenched in water. So was my newly dyed, not-yet-shampooed hair and my new white mini-dress. FML
~I can't really feel sorry for people who bring these things upon themselves. Wheneer I color or highlight my hair I wear old ratty clothes that I don't care about getting messed up, just incase some of the dye drips on it. Coloring your hair while wearing a new white mini-dress was just stupid.
Well that's it for now ^^
~ O.o wow I'd expect something like that from a kid or a woman going through post-partum depression, not someone that just wanted another baby. If I was her husband and was still even considering another child, that action would have changed my mind. Would you want to have a baby with a woman that thinks a toy one is alive? What if she plays favorites?
Today, I found out that my dick is smaller than that of a 70+ year old man. I fount out because my girlfriend compared me to her grandfather. FML
~ ...the question he should really be asking here, is why does his girlfriend know her grandfathers penis size? THATS where the real FML comes in. 70 is too soon to be needing help with diaper changes and bathing (atleast in my experience)
Today, the lady across the street gave me $50 to mow her lawn since she was going on vacation. It took me an hour and a half to finish. I went home and got a phone call saying I didn't do anything. Turned out my dad took out the blades of the lawn mower to get them sharpened and didn't tell me. FML
~You'd think the first clue would of been the lack of cut grass...even with a mower that collects the clippings in a bag, you should be able to tell if the grass is shorter or not while pushing it back and forth >.<'
Today, I called my girlfriend with *67 and told her I wanted to have sex with her. She answered by saying "But we already did it two days ago Joey" i came back from a buisness trip yesterday and my name is George. FML
~ For those of you that don't know, *67 enables your phone to call without showing who you are on caller id. Comes in handy sometimes. Like in this case. Well, atleast he found out about it without walking in on them right?
Today my girlfriend and i went back to my dorm room, to find my roommate asleep with a massive erection. My girlfriend then decided she wanted to break up with me, and i saw her slip her number on my rooomates desk before she left. FML
~Well if she was with you only for the sex then I don't think she was worth staying with anyways. Still, thats a little harsh <.<
Today, I found out that my 1 year boyfriend has been cheating on me for the past 3 months. With my mom. FML
~This isn't the first one that I've seen where a girl finds out that their boyfriend was sleeping with their mom, but it still suprises me. How do you react to something like that? What kind of mother would do that?
Today, I had sex with a 15 yr old. I'm 19. Her dad, who is a cop, came home early and caught us in bed. My court hearing is next week. FML
~I'm 20 and I have a 16 year old sister. Same age different +1 year. I would not consider dating (or sleeping with) any of her friends because of the age difference. I'm not saying that a 4 year age gap is huge, but for 15 and 19 there is a bit of a difference in maturity and brain development. I'm on the dads side on this one.
Today, my dad yelled at me because he saw me in 'an x-rated film'. I was in a gay porn. FML
~Well look on the bright side, he's ok that you're gay right? Though I admit the downside of knowing your dad has seen you having sex with another guy is kind of weird...
Today, while mowing my lawn, I noticed a small black plastic bag. Figuring it was just an empty bag, I ran over it with my mower. Seconds later, dog poop sprayed out from under my mower and all over my legs. Turns out it was one of those bags for picking up dog crap. FML
~Yeah totally their fault there. Running over even an empty bag is a bad idea in my opinion, turning 1 death trap into a million of them for animals. If they just took the time to pick it up, they would of realized it wasn't empty. But then again, I wouldn't have that lovely fml to share!
Today, I found out that my ex who I was about to get back together with decided to push me aside and date a 4th grader. He's 15 and I'm only one year younger than him. And his reasoning? She's actually pretty and hot. FML
~4th grade is ages 9-10 (depending on when your birthday is) again I would like to point out that later on in life a 5-6 year difference isn't a big deal, but this?? A high schooler dating a kid in elementary school? WTF?
Any Sailor Moon fans out there? This reminds me of Usagi (Serena) and Mamoru (Darien). In the original Japanese version, Usagi was a middle school student and Mamoru was in college. Yay for child molestation!
Today I was on date #4 with a guy i was really crushing on, all was going well. He's "a bit" older than myself, but thats how i like them. We started talking about our familys. Come to find out he knows my mom. Come to find out he slept with her 4 years before i was born... yeah FML
~A bit older than her? >___<>
Today, my girlfriend & I went out for Mexican food. She was telling me her stomach ached because she was 'full'. We went to my house after to fool around. Things got hot & I went down on her. Turns out her stomach hurt because the food gave her explosive diarrhea. Guess where my open mouth was. FML
~EWW I feel so bad for that guy >.<>
Today I was turning the water on in the shower to warm it up. I couldn't pull the plug to switch it to using shower head. I had to use both hands to yank it up, and when it finally budged I was immediately drenched in water. So was my newly dyed, not-yet-shampooed hair and my new white mini-dress. FML
~I can't really feel sorry for people who bring these things upon themselves. Wheneer I color or highlight my hair I wear old ratty clothes that I don't care about getting messed up, just incase some of the dye drips on it. Coloring your hair while wearing a new white mini-dress was just stupid.
Well that's it for now ^^
Blog Introduction
Everyone knows www.fmylife.com right? You go there to cheer yourself up and laugh at things that happen to people, or go omfg wtf? at others.
Not every FML gets posted though. Before they make it to the main page, the posts go through being "moderated" where users vote on whether they think it should appear on the page. I've gone through the voting process a few times, and some really good ones don't get enough votes and aren't posted, lost forever to the viewers out there.
But not anymore! As I go through voting Yes or No to the different FMLs I will save my favorite ones and share them with you ^^ Some might be posted on the site, others might not. Either way you get to have a chance to read them =D
Not every FML gets posted though. Before they make it to the main page, the posts go through being "moderated" where users vote on whether they think it should appear on the page. I've gone through the voting process a few times, and some really good ones don't get enough votes and aren't posted, lost forever to the viewers out there.
But not anymore! As I go through voting Yes or No to the different FMLs I will save my favorite ones and share them with you ^^ Some might be posted on the site, others might not. Either way you get to have a chance to read them =D
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